Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Brock Lesnar: A Lesson in Revisionist History

Brock Lesnar is the UFC Heavyweight Champion. That fact cannot be disputed.

Apparently, everything else in the Mixed Martial Arts history of the athletic freak of nature is up for reconsideration, depending on what side of the Lesnar Line you land on.

If you're Team Lesnar, than there is no need to reconstruct the events that have taken place thus far; after all, your guy has a shiny gold belt holding up his pants.

The quick UFC history of the organization's top heavyweight looks like this to you:

  • Debuted against a former champion with great submission skills and got caught
  • Pulverized a veteran gatekeeper
  • Defeated one of the most respected fighters in the history of the sport to claim heavyweight title
  • Avenged debut loss in dominant fashion to unify titles
  • Got sick, pulled out of UFC 106
  • Still sick, might not fight at UFC 108

Stripped down, that sounds about right.

However, things are quite different if you fall on the other side of the Brock Lesnar Line and quick histories are not enough.

While fans of the impossibly athletic big man like to ignore his professional wrestling past, everyone knows that anyone who came out of the WWE surely abused steroids, HGH, painkillers, booze and small barnyard animals. How people can overlook such things is ridiculous to you.

From there, he made a rookie mistake in his debut, succumbing to a move that a novice in jiu jitsu could escape. You escaped it on your third day of jiu jitsu classes, as well as every other submission attempt sent your way, prompting you to quit and declare yourself the greatest jiu jitsu practitioner in your house.

Then came the Heath Herring fight. Beating Heath Herring means nothing, as he's a "tomato can" if ever there was one. Sure he's closing in on 50 professional fights and has been in the ring with some of the best heavyweights the sport has ever seen, but who has he beaten?

Cheick Kongo? The only time a win over Cheick Kongo counts for anything is when your name is Cain Velasquez...

Next up, Dana White and his fellow Lesnar Lovers put the steroid and small animal abusing lack of talent in a title fight AFTER JUST TWO FIGHT! What makes it even worse is that they all but handed the muscle-bound meathead the title by matching him up against an old and decrepit Randy Couture.

Honestly, the guy is like 904-years-old and hasn't been a good fighter in years. Why not just hand Lesnar the belt?

Then came UFC 100 and a rematch with Mir, where Lesnar simply lay on his opponent in a position that surely merited a stand-up, not that the two should have been fighting each other in the first place, right?

After all, Lesnar has a massive weight advantage over every in the division and that has never happened before. Divisions should be 10-15 pounds apart and just because Lesnar can get within the vast limits of the division before bulking back up overnight - ON STEROIDS - it shouldn't mean he gets to outweight everyone by 30-40 pounds.

What happened next was the worst moment in Mixed Martial Arts history, perhaps the history of the world.

Lesnar shot his mouth off, gave the fans the finger, made a lewd comment about his wife, punched Joe Rogan in the throat and murdered 13 civilians on his way to the locker room. He is an absolute disgrace of a human being and what he did is worse than anything any athlete or common citizen has ever done and he should be barred from the organization and forced to live on a remote island by himself... forever.

Scared to death that Shane Carwin is going to beat him, Lesnar is "sick" and unable to defend his title at UFC 106, so Dana White gave his meal ticket a stay of execution until January. He sure didn't look sick when he showed up at the Minnesota Vikings game though.

Still petrified from knowing without a shadow of a doubt that Carwin is going to punch a hole in his overblown chest, Lesnar might not even be able to fight at UFC 108. While some people are saying it could be mono, the real reason he can't fight is two-fold:

  1. He's scared. Carwin is a beast and has beaten everyone he's face with one punch, including a bear he encountered in the Colorado Rockies.

  2. Lesnar needs extra time for his latest cycle of steroids, HGH and radioactive materials to clear his system so he can keep passing drug tests.

Now that he's not going to be able to fight, the UFC should strip him of the belt, give it to Carwin and make Lesnar admit to all his cheating, apologize for senselessly beating Joe Rogan after UFC 100 and create a brand new division where guys like Lesnar have to fight, so smaller heavyweights have a chance to win titles too.

* * * * * * * *

Randy Couture is not 904-years-old. He's old, but not that old.

Brock Lesnar has not abused any barnyard animals, killed any ringside civilians and never beat Joe Rogan senseless. He's never failed any drug tests either...

But that doesn't matter to the legion of Lesnar Haters out there.

He HAD to have done steroids and HGH and everything else under the sun.

He's a deplorable human being, unworthy of a place in the UFC and deserves to be slandered, defamed and criticized at every turn, right?

Just make sure that if he ever comes near your glass house, you run as fast as you possibly can...


  1. I can't speak for the "Lesnar Haters" you decry, but I can say that there's a HUGE gulf between "UFC Champion" and "Best in the World." And I think that part of the animosity directed at Brock is a form of defensiveness over the notion that the "masses" can crown a fighter #1, rather than a resume of accomplishments.

    Brock Lesnar *appears* to be unbeatable, and looks intimidating enough to be sold to the masses as the Baddest Man on the Planet, but because much of his fanbase consists of MMA neophytes, longtime fans can't help but feel violated. It would be like a slew of teenaged basketball fans declaring rookie Lebron James the best player, based on his freakish athleticism and highlight reel; there would be Kobe Bryant backers looking to point out that the crowning was premature (not to mention Jordan backers throwing things at their televisions.)

    Sure there's a tendency to favor the New over the Old, and the Bigger over the Smaller, but hardcore fans are wary of hype machines, especially when a star is the longtime beneficiary of a sustained hype machine. Lesnar may yet prove the naysayers wrong, but the naysayers are right to be skeptical, while the True Believers need Lesnar to validate their faith in his invulnerability. Upsets happen...ask Georges St. Pierre.

  2. Skeptical is cool; everything you have said is absolutely true and very valid. Lesnar has received a great deal of hype and become a favorite of newcomers to the sport.

    What I disagree with are the people who take things to the next level and beyond.

    Disliking Lesnar and being frustrated with his instant push to stardom is one thing; discounting the success he's had, the talents he displays and slandering him because you don't like him is a whole different animal.

    I know nothing I say will change these people's minds or actions, it's just amazing to me that when it comes to Lesnar, Randy Couture is washed up, Frank Mir was never any good to begin with and he wouldn't have beaten either of them if not for all the steroids he's never tested positive for...

    Thanks for the comment.

  3. Ooh disagree on Mir. Frank Mir certainly was good...against other fighters his size.

    But the point of all this is that the hardcore MMA fans don't like the idea of WWE-boy coming in and taking the belt in just a few fights, whether he's earned it or not.

    Great post, excellent take as usual.

  4. Thanks Matt - and I too think Mir was good, is good and always will be good.


    Just a little reminder...

    I don't 'hate' Brock Lesnar, I actually thought his antics after UFC 100 were pretty damn funny. Disgraceful, yes, disrespectful and unsportsman-like also. But hey, maybe I've just got a bad sense of humor.

    All arguements aside though, I have a hard time getting the fact that someone like Brock Lesnar would be afraid of someone; it just doesn't compute. The guy is bigger and probably stronger then anyone in the division, and with that simple mentality and a shiny gold belt buckle, it's tough to think outside the box. He's used to facing guys that are built and perhaps more musculear from his wrestling days.

    Sure, that doesn't mean alotwhen you're facing a guy who will put you down in first minute of the first round, but Brock can still strike. He's getting better and better, who knows what he might have in his arsenal by now.

    What about a Valasquez-Carwin interm title fight? I think Valasquez has earned it by now, and an iterm title would give Brock the inspiration he needs to get off his ass. (If that is what he's doing..)

  6. Is the reminder that I am a member of Team Lesnar for me or for others?

    I haven't forgotten - that's why I wrote this ridiculousness to illustrate how crazy some Anti-Lesnar fans are in their thoughts and opinions of the big fella.

    I don't think any of the things written in the latter 2/3 of this piece are true; I'm a believer in the facts stated up front, not the nonsensical, revisionist versions that follow.

    Carwin has apparently been told to sit tight and wait for Brock; crappy, but whatchagonnado right?

    Cain is speculated to get a fight with Nogueira and they could put an interim strap on the line there if interested.

    And I agree, the notion of this colossal mass of athleticism being afraid of anyone is just plain dumb...

  7. I think you guys are crackheads

  8. Yes, this man had amazing strength and excelled in wrestling and became a 2000 NCAA Heavyweight Champion. I wonder how his workout routine and what did he eats to get this super big muscle.

  9. I do not hate them all. I think, they have strengths and weaknesses of each. And by the way, this man had amazing strength and excelled in wrestling and became a 2000 NCAA Heavyweight Champion. I wonder how his workout routine and what did he eats to get this super big muscle. I really want to have muscles like this.


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