Friday, September 11, 2009

Welcome to The Loco Life

Chances are you recognize the guy on the left as Punkass from Tapout. The chucklehead in the middle is Ryan Loco, while Evan Shoman is the dude rocking the white.

Last week, Shoman took time from his insanely busy schedule to talk all kinds of shit about Loco, his co-host on Tapout Radio and world class slacker friend.

Since Shoman and I spent a solid portion of the interview dragging the good name of the Pride of Encinitas, California through the mud, the only reasonable thing to do was to reach out to Loco himself and give him an opportunity to tell his side of the story.

The results are brilliant... and sometimes insulting.

This is the K2 Interview Series... with Ryan Loco.

What’s up Loco?

So we’re recording an interview for reading. That’s weird. Do you have to type it all up?

Yeah, I have to sit and transcribe your words later which...

That’s awesome.

For the few people out there in reading land who have no idea who you are or why I would be interested in interviewing you, how would you explain what you do in the world of Mixed Martial Arts?

There are more than a few people; 99.9 percent of the population has no clue who I am.

D’you know what’s funny? I was just talking with [TUF 10 contestant] Matt Mitrione and said I had to do this interview with you, and his exact words were, “Who is Ryan Loco?”

Sweet... then first off I’d like to say to Matt whatever the hell your last name is “Go fuck yourself!” because I would never say that about Matt.

I think Matt is a tremendous guy; strong, really religious and devoted to his faith, and one time he wrestled a bear. See? I do my homework.

But for everyone else, I don’t know. To classify who and what I am is the hardest thing in the world because I don’t even know what I do. I get paid to wake up and go to Starbucks every day.

I write for Fight! Magazine, I host Tapout Radio with Crooklyn and Evan Shoman, and I have my own reality show The Loco Life, and Jaco Clothing sponsors that, as well as takes care of me just to be the face; the guy who runs around and gets in the mix.

For a young, very attractive man like myself, it’s a great deal.

Do you know that you’re my hero? There’s a montage of you doing SFA other than hanging out at fights playing in my head right now with “The Wind Beneath My Wings” as the soundtrack.

It’s not easy when they call you up and say, “Hey, you have to go to Dallas for UFC, after going to Portland for UFC” and “Hey, you have to host a party... hey, this girl wants to hang out with you... hey, can you go to this car tradeshow... hey, we got tickets for you to this giant car show in Vegas... hey, will you be interviewed on Facebook?”

It’s a chore.

It sounds like a rough life. I can’t believe you’re not more stressed out than you are.

It’s not easy. Lemme got through a typical day for you right quick so you can see what I have to go through.

I wake up whenever I feel like it and then I go to Starbucks. Maybe I go to the beach, I don’t know; I live a minute from the beach. Then I go home, work out, Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, and yeah, that’s my day.

That’s not a bad day. You’ve got a good setup there.

It’s hard. It’s not something I like to brag about. It gets me through, it gets me by and if I can inspire others like myself, to want to become whatever it is that I do, I’m all for it.

Because the thing is, I dropped out of college and I pretty much quit my job saying, “I’m just gonna do what I think I know I can do, and hopefully someone wants me to be a part of it,” and I got lucky.

You know how there’s a part of your brain that says, “Don’t jump of the cliff, you’re an idiot?” I just shut it off, quit my job and went for it.

I’m a lemming; a really, really good-looking lemming. Everyone should probably Google what a lemming is.

That might have to become the title for this interview when it goes up on the numerous sites I whore myself to.

That’s the thing man; you have to whore yourself.

I do not care. When I put a video out, if I have 500 people comment “That’s the worst video I’ve ever seen,” that’s 500 people that watched my video. I don’t care.

Exactly. Exactly.

Trust me, when people read this and say, “Wow, you were terrible. That’s the worst interview I’ve ever read,” they still read it.

That’s right. People are gonna say, “Who the hell is Ryan Loco...”

People are gonna say, “Who the hell is Spencer and why is a Canadian allowed to own a computer?”

You know? Are you at the public library in Canada and you’re using the one computer right now? Is there a line forming?

That’s exactly what’s happening. We don’t have Internet in our igloos, so I’ve had to fight off a bunch of people to get on the one computer.

You probably had to fight off an elk. Don’t sell yourself short.

Or maybe a bear like Matt Mitrione.

Yeah, that guy. You know what? I take it back; don’t tell him I said to go fuck himself. Tell him “God Bless.”

We’ll save the “Go Fuck Yourself” for Shoman a little later on.

Tell him “God Bless” and there goes the Fight! Magazine article I was going to write on him.

So, let’s get into some of the outlandish claims made by your co-host.

Is it in fact possible to catch STDs just from talking to you? Do I now have gonorrhea?

Probably not gonorrhoea; Chlamydia is a really good option though and the thing about Chlamydia is FROM WHAT I’VE HEARD two pills, five days, it’s gone, so you’re fine. Not that I would know.

Neither would I and it will stay that way.

Are you married?

I am; I got married about five months ago now.

Wow, congratulations. What’s your girlfriend think about that?

My girlfriend was very unhappy, but my wife is quite pleased.

That’s great.

Do you ride on Shoman’s coattails? He likes to think he’s the big dog of the show.

That’s the bitter Jew in him coming out, that’s what that is. He’s upset because (1) I make fun of him every day for killing Jesus, (2) what does he do?

He draws, big whoop. I have to go out every day and talk to hot girls. Who is really doing work, you know? Who’s really putting himself on the line there?

And you’re on camera lots of the time too.

I’m on camera. There’s visual evidence of me. All he does is he sits in his little office and he draws his little drawing and then it’s, “Oh everyone needs to look at...”

We get it. We got it, bro. We got it. It’s a drawing. They do it all the time. Cavemen have been doing it on walls for thousands of years.

Ain’t no caveman going to the Comic Con. Ain’t no caveman going to Fantasy Factory.

I show Shoman up. So easy a caveman can do it, right? Go fuck yourself, Caveman!

We need to get Shoman hooked up with a Geico ad. That should be your next project.

Do you still drive a ’93 Escort and live in Doze’s parents’ basement?

First of all, it’s a ’99 Escort. First off, almost made it to 2000, that’s kind of a big deal, and I’m going to the house I share with Doze, not a basement.

Also, the reason I drive the Escort and I’m not going to buy a new car is because I want the girl that I fall in love with to love me for me, and not for the material things.

Not for the crazy good looks of mine, not for all the money I have, not for the perks that she gets, but for my company itself.

That’s very touching.

I do this for a reason; it’s all planned out.

Do you think anyone goes out legitimately and thinks, “I wanna buy a ’99 Ford Escort?” No, but I do. I plan it out.

Fair enough, man. I can’t say shit. I’m driving a ’93 Civic, dude.

Great, you don’t even support America.

Why would I support America? I’m Canadian remember? I’m at the public library in Canada...

First off, we’re keeping you afloat. Secondly, you never have to worry about wars, you’re welcome and thirdly, we have the hotter chicks.

You guys are still riding Pam Anderson. Get over it.

I might have to argue with you on that one at a later date.

What Canadian girls have you got for me? Bring it.

I got The Girl Next Door Elisha Cuthbert, I got Rachel... I got Rachel McAdams. She’s my favourite Canadian at present.

Really, because I’ve got Kate Beckinsale. There you go.

Can we just share a quick moment for Underworld and Kate Beckinsale in spandex?

Kate Beckinsale’s from England.

I know, but it’s fine. I lost all train of thought when you mentioned Kate Beckinsale.

Sorry, what was that? You’re breaking up. We’re breaking up. There, you and I, we’re done.

We’re over? Alright then we’ll get to some more insulting questions.

Has anyone ever told you that the intro to the show sounds like your profile on eHarmony? Can’t you spice that thing up a little or something? Add some explosions or angry music or something? Shoman thinks he should be added.

Has anyone told you to go make your own fucking show then if you’re going to criticize?

I’d love to make my own show at some point, but for right now, I’ll retract that so I can potentially get a shout out on the next episode of The Loco Life.

Yeah, that’s a good angle; rip into it, that’ll get me to say something. Here’s a guy that thinks I suck.

Just the intro... Shoman thinks the intro sucks and he’s on it from time-to-time.

HE’S JEWISH! He's like the mugwumps!

Before getting around to some more insightful and investigative journalism-type questions, let’s run through the Keyboard Kimura Questionnaire:

Favourite fighter?

Joe Lewis. Wait, are we talking MMA?

Doesn’t matter.

My favourite MMA fighter, it’s Mayhem. We’re fucking gay for each other. He’s my homey, dude and I turn into a little girl when he fights.

Well then is he part of the best fight you’ve ever seen – live or otherwise?

Ah man, you’re a dickhead for saying something like that though. No, he’s not. Wow, the best fight I’ve ever seen live?

I’m tellin’ ya, that Couture – Nogueira fight in Portland was pretty amazing, but the Nick Diaz – [Takanori] Gomi fight live was pretty amazing.

You know what I’m sayin?

That’s a rematch that has to happen, but Nick doesn’t want to stop smoking.

That Nick Diaz – Gomi fight was amazing, but maybe that’s because I’m a big Nick Diaz fan.

Most Underrated Fighter?

The most underrated fighter? It's Mayhem, actually.

That guy doesn’t get enough credit; they talk shit on him, they say he doesn’t train hard, say he doesn’t take it serious but I’m telling you man, that guy is retardedly talented. Ask anyone

You know what? Mayhem and Tiki [Ghosn].Tiki’s a tie too, because Tiki is retardedly amazing and he’s just gotten a couple bad breaks.

Why you picking on them?

I ain’t picking on no one. Listen, when I started this site, one of the earlier pieces I wrote was a petition to get Mayhem back to the UFC to mix it up with GSP again.

What do you have against Tiki?

I’ve got nothing against Tiki. I like Tiki.

If you really cared about Tiki you’d have something up about him too.

I will have something up about Tiki very soon.

That’s messed up on your part, man. After all the nice shit Tiki has said about you...

Who is the Most Overrated fighter out there?

How do you overrate a fighter?

I’m thinking guys like Bisping who got a huge push and was maybe in line for a title shot before Hendo knocked him into next week at 100.

That’s awesome though; Bisping’s not overrated there. Uhm, wow... for a while there the whole Gomi love train wouldn’t stop and that got annoying. Same with [Norifumi “Kid”] Yamamoto.

I’ll say Nate Quarry, just for Nate because I hope he’s reading. Just a shout out. I like Nate Quarry.

Best Pound-for-Pound?

I can’t argue Anderson Silva, that’s stupid. But you can’t argue Fedor, because that’s stupid too.

Anderson and Fedor, it’s a tie. They can have children together...

I’d actually probably pay to watch them have sex, just because they might have kids from it.

One superhuman kid who smashes everyone...

A kid that looks a lot like me.

Best Prospect?

Best Prospect?

Yeah. Who is a guy that two or three years from now will be on top of the world and you can look back and say, “I told you bastards that this guy was the shit!”

King Mo.

King Mo?

Yeah, King Mo is the future. I tell him every time I talk him. I tell everyone I talk to about him. King Mo is the future.

Will he sign with Strikeforce or will he sign with the UFC?

It doesn’t matter. Wherever he goes, he’s the future. He’s the future.

He’s the future, and America better be ready because the strong black man, finally, someone I can look up to being a black man myself, the strong black man is taking over.

I do white women!

Now that we’ve got some very unrelated questions out of the way, let’s turn our attention to actual fights and MMA for a minute to prove we both in fact know a thing or two about the sport.

Your boy Jason “Mayhem” Miller has been rumoured to take on Jake Shields for the vacant Strikeforce middleweight title. Even though the fight hasn’t been made official for whatever reason as of yet, handicap that fight for us.

How do you see it going? Is Shields better off staying at 170? What is happening with the fight with Jacare? Give us the scoops.

I’m a very democratic guy, I don’t like to ruffle feathers, so I’ll keep my answer very democratic and say that Jake Shields is going to get his shit pushed in.

And then Jacare after that, I’m guessing?

The Jacare fight, dude, Jacare is tough as balls, absolutely. But that second Jacare fight, people are talking mess about it, but the fight barely lasted what, two minutes?

I don’t remember because it was at like five in the morning and I was dead tired, but it’s not like Jason kicked him on purpose.

That guy trained so hard for that fight, and wanted to beat the crap out of Jacare and I’m telling you, the next Jacare fight is going to be amazing.

Quote me on this, here’s what I want you to quote me on for the next Mayhem – Jacare fight, quote this:

Ryan Loco’s Awesome, so there you go. Right?

That might also become the title of this piece.

Ryan Loco will bang your girlfriend and you will thank him, that’s what the title should be.

Did Fedor make the right decision by signing with Strikeforce; is he being a pussy not signing with the UFC or is it just a business deal for him?

It’s all money, but I think it’s stupid. It’s dumb.

Brett Rogers? C’mon. If anyone actually thinks Brett Rogers is a threat, go out and... I don’t even know what you can do. I’m so offended that people think Brett Rogers is a threat.

I want you to re-release this article after the fight happens...

That says, “Ryan Loco is offended that people think Brett Rogers is a threat.” I agree, by the way.

And d’you know what’s going to happen? Brett Rogers will probably last three minutes and people will all be like, “Oh, he lasted three minutes.”

MMA is stupid anyway. Remember that too.

We’ll definitely quote that!

MMA fans are never happy with anything. MMA fans are like women, and don’t get me wrong, I like women. My mom’s a woman last time I checked, but women are like, “I want a guy who is busy and has his own things going on and that would be great.”

Cool, but once they get that guy and it’s “you work too much, stay home, blah blah blah” and so the guy starts doing that and it’s “Ugh, my boyfriend’s always home, get out of the house” and then she cheats on him with some fucking card rep.

It’s true; I don’t disagree one bit. I wrote something not that long ago, after the Portland fights, saying we’re always back and forth on referees and...

That was stopped too fast. Yeah, but that wasn’t stopped fast enough. You should let it go longer because he earned it, well that guy’s new...

Shut up!

Exactly – we’re never happy.

And that’s fine. That’s why I love MMA. I love MMA as much as I hate it.

Don’t get me wrong: I love MMA as much as anyone possibly can. I’m around it all day, every day.

We’re seeing a lot of MMA stars making the move into the movie business, including Gina Carano.

With her recently announced leading role in the Steven Soderbergh flick Knockout, do you think this will be the start of a new career focus for her or will she juggle the two and remain fighting?

I don`t know if she can act, first off, but I know that every other MMA guy I`ve seen can`t act to save their life and they need to give it up.

Shaq had Shazaam and he was like, “D’you know what? I suck at this.”

An actor wants to be a fighter, a fighter wants to be an actor, an actor wants to be a rockstar, a rockstar wants to be a fighter... it never ends.

This needs to stop. They’re horrible movies.

D’you know what the best MMA movie is? Never Back Down and I don’t think it had any MMA guys in it and it was awesome.

It’s the The Fast and the Furious of MMA. It’s the Karate Kid of my generation, even though Karate Kid was the Karate Kid for my generation, but you get what I’m sayin?

I get what you’re saying. I’ve seen it, its way better than Never Surrender.

D’you know why? Because Cung Le wasn’t it in.

That was honestly my next question: should Strikeforce have stripped Cung Le of his belt already for choosing films over fights?

I’m actually quite certain that I am the Strikeforce Middleweight Champion. Seriously.

Speaking of horrible movie ideas with MMA fighters, Phil Baroni is apparently starring in a movie as well, something called Growl. You wanna camp out and be first in line?

Called Growl? Growl? Jesus!

This is why we’ll never advance, because we make stupid names. Growl? What’s next, Roar and Fist and then Sweat; they all sound like gay porno names.

And yes, I will be first in line for the first showing next Thursday, wearing my cut-off jean shorts.

It apparently has something to do with an underground MMA fight club hunted by a family of werewolves.

Well obviously...

Which sounds like one of the worst ideas I’ve ever heard in my life.

Let me tell you right now: the book is better.

Okay, so people don’t think we’re just total jackasses...

Everyone thinks I’m a jackass already. It’s great!

Alright, so let’s prove there is a non-jackass side for a minute if we could.


The drunk driver of the car that killed Charles “Mask” Lewis had a plea deal denied by the judge and was ordered to stand trial.

Tell us about your relationship with Mask, your reaction to this recent news and how the rest of the Tapout Crew is doing since losing their partner and friend.

Charles was one of the coolest people I’ve ever met in my entire life. He was a fantastic person who really influenced me; you know, there were some books he’d talk about that I picked up and have read because of him.

Every time you left talking with him you wanted to attack the world; like you’re sitting there going, “Wow, I’m not doing anything” and you left motivated and you wanted to go out and grab the moon.

But uh, it was the guy’s third DUI and I have no sympathy for the guy.

It’s unfortunate what happened; it was tragic news, and I still remember the day and when I heard about what happened and getting that phone call and I didn’t want it to be true because it wasn’t cool.

He was finally reaching that point where he could relax, even though he wouldn’t relax. I know he wouldn’t; he’d still be busting his ass 24/7, you know, it sucks.

Tapout was the beginning; they were the guys that started it all and I wish them nothing but the best. They’re great guys and it’s just unfortunate that they had to lose Charles like that, the figurehead, you know? It was just not fair.

MMA apparel is under scrutiny in Vancouver and being banned across the city because of the number of gang-related individuals sporting the gear.

Not to diminish the fact that these thugs in Vancouver are wearing the clothing and the horrible amount of violence that has taken place there in the last six months, but...

Is it just me or is there absolutely nothing dangerous and threatening about a guy wearing a shirt with sparkly, sequined skulls or glittery Ed Hardy tigers all over it?

When did MMA clothing become the new D-Bag Uniform? I’ll qualify it by saying if you’re not a fighter or involved in some way, shape or form with MMA, wearing the clothing all the time is douchy.

What are your thoughts?

There are douche bags with everything.

There are douche bags that ruined “The Wife Beater” for us, there are douche bags that ruined overalls for us. There are douche bags that ruined capri pants for us that I would like to wear from time to time.

I’d love to see the pictures of the gangs of guys in Affliction running around in Canada, causing havoc, tipping over a moose or whatever you guys do up there.

I see it all the time; it turns into the Tough Guy uniform and suddenly you’re the baddest guy and people are all like, “Oh that guy trains” or whatever and...

D’you know who the baddest dude when you go to the bar is? It’s the guy sitting in the corner not saying shit, slowly sipping Scotch straight, putting out cigarettes in his hand. That’s who the baddest dude is.

He doesn’t have to show off, be all tough, “look, I’m wearing this shirt.”

But I’m an old man; I don’t get into fights, I don’t do any of that stuff. I’ll buy you a beer even though I don’t drink.

This whole tough guy thing is stupid. While they’re trying to fight and their girlfriend is crying, I’ll swing up and try and console her and we’re good.

That’s a good plan and you would do well up here in Canada because there are a lot of tough guys leaving their ladies to go get in fights.

They ruined hyper-color shirts! Fuckin’ douches, I loved wearing those.

Alright, since we got serious for a minute, we have to end with some fun stuff.

First, let’s get your predictions for the UFC 103 card since I’m guessing you’ll be in attendance.

Oh yeah. I’ll wave to you guys from my suite.

Franklin vs. Belfort?

Rich Franklin.

Cro Cop vs. dos Santos?

Don’t care.

Kampmann vs. Daley?

Wow. Well, you’re gonna post this on Facebook, so Paul Daley’s manager is gonna read it. And I’ll post it on Twitter and MySpace, so Hitman Dan will read it. Alright...

Paul Daley’s manager, read this line: I think Paul’s gonna win.

Okay, Hitman Dan: ignore that top part. I think Kampmann is gonna win.

Koscheck vs. Trigg?

I pray to God, to all that is holy – I’ll probably even go to church the week before – that my friend and good buddy, fellow broadcaster, fellow journalist, fellow gluten-free gentleman Frank Trigg beats the ever-loving hell out of Josh Koscheck.

Griffin vs. Franca?

Well, I love Tyson; Good looking kid, huge ass and hopefully he finishes him. I have no doubt that he gets the “W” but I wanna see a finish. No more decisions.

If you could fight anyone - past or present - who would it be and who would be the winner?

That’s a good one. Tough one, wow. I would wanna fight Baby Jessica. D’you remember her?

The kid that fell down a well?

That kid that fell down the well, yeah. I’d wanna fight her, because being a little kid and you can’t watch anything, having that shit take over every channel and having to watch people with flashlights looking down a hole...

I remember that Jessica. I remember what you did.

But Baby Jessica inspired a classic Simpsons episode...

You know what? Seriously, I wanna fight her, but as a baby.

I think I’d have a chance. As an adult, I don’t know. I think she’s 22, but as a baby? I would fuck her up.

Would you hit on her now as a 22-year-old if you met her? Would you be all, "Hey, it's so good that you're out of that well. My name's Ryan. Let me buy you a drink."

She would probably remember me from kicking her ass as a kid, so probably she wouldn't be into it.

But she's not that hot. I think all the exposure from the gasses underneath the ground and the lack of exposure to the sunlight for the whole day fucked her whole chromosomes up.

She's like one of those cavekids, like I talked about with Shoman. She looks like if Shoman had a daughter… and then he threw her down a well.

That's what Jews do, I think.

If you could play matchmaker for one day, regardless of organizational ties or anything like that, what three fights would you make and why?

Fedor vs. Brock because I have a hard-on for Brock, Silva vs. Machida and Shinya Aoki versus Jose Canseco.

It’s the one people have been waiting for.

The first two almost everyone picks. Aoki – Canseco you’re an original on.

Fine, you don’t like that answer… I’ll change it.

No man, I like it. That’s an interesting fight. Can the magic grappling pants take down the former Bash Brother?

And Canseco gets to use a bat.

And he gets to use a bat to counteract the magic grappling pants.

Yeah, because that’s not fair that he gets to use grappling pants.

Are the grappling pants the key to his success?


If he can’t wear his grappling pants does he get dummied by everybody?

No, he’d still mess people up. But he stuffs them. He really packs a bulge in there.

Any shoutouts you need to give? We do reach a guaranteed audience of 47 people…

One, if you read this whole thing you’re an idiot.

Two, Fight! Magazine, Tapout Radio, Jaco Clothing for taking care of me.

Watch The Loco Life, follow me on Twitter.

Thanks to Doze.

Big thanks to Evan Shoman for killing our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and um, yeah, all of Evan Shoman’s drawings are computer-generated. I’ve seen him do it.

They’re all fakes; he prints them out in reverse, puts a light layer of glue, puts it on a piece of paper, then takes it off and pours pencil shavings all over it.

It’s kind of like an Etch-a-Sketch kind of thing. He want you to think he drew it, but really, it’s an epoxy.

It’s an epoxy and lead. It’s what killed Kennedy.

We’re uncovering all kinds of truths today.

I wouldn’t doubt that Evan had something to do with the Kennedy Assassination.

He killed Jesus.

Yeah, he killed Jesus. What’s to say he didn’t kill Kennedy, another powerful Jew?

He just didn’t want to see a Jew in power. He’s such a piece of shit.

You’re such a piece of shit.

Kennedy or Shoman?

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Cool man, I’ll let you get outta here. Thanks.

No problem.

Feel free to send any free swag you don’t want my way.


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